Sheld'iliad or The Judgment of Sheldon
by Tomasina
Summary: An anthropologically correct bachelorette party, battling goddesses, and a Death Star. An average Friday night in Pasadena.
1. Party Time

**Still playing with different kinds of storylines. Believe it or not, this does not interfere with canon storyline. Although you could call this AU from the gods' POV. Don't worry. Even the gods have to stay in character. Happens during season 5 between The Isolation Permutation and The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition, before or after The Ornithophobia Diffusion.**

**Sheld'iliad -or- The Judgment of Sheldon**

**Party Time**

Hera looked down from her throne with detached interest at the scene before her. The wedding feast was progressing nicely. It wasn't the first marriage she'd officiated at and it wouldn't be the last. Zeus was flirting with a Maenad serving the wine but he wouldn't try anything while she was still in the room.

She let her attention wander to a prayer resonating through the crystal on her ring. That was a rarity these days from anywhere outside of Sedona, Arizona. She was just getting interested when Athena came over with her toga in a bunch.

"I'm sorry to bother you but if you don't do something soon those two are going to have sex right on top of the salad plates." She pointed toward the end of the main table. Aphrodite and Ares were leering at each other and making some rather crude gestures, despite the fact that Hephaestus was sitting right beside his wife, looking uncomfortable and pretending not to notice. Hera did not think Athena was exaggerating.

"This should distract her until the speeches are over." She showed her the ring and gestured over towards the fountain near the courtyard wall. "Tell her to come over and look at this. After the party's over they can get a room and my ugly little boy can keep pretending he doesn't know what's going on." She walked over to the fountain while Athena fetched Aphrodite. She knew better than to say no and sauntered over, making sure to position herself so Ares had a good view of her derrière.

"Having fun?" Hera asked. Aphrodite shrugged and looked over her shoulder.

"Not nearly enough."

"Eyes over here, woman. I want you to look at this." Hera touched her ring to the water and the miniature scene expanded to fill the water before them.

XXX

The night of the bachelorette party had arrived all too soon. Well, part one at least. Part two could still be nice. Bernadette was worried more time would allow Amy to get even more 'creative' and Penny just wanted to get it over with. In private with Penny and Howard, Bernadette referred to this as Penance Night. (The result of their disastrous attempt to exclude Amy from dress shopping). At least she'd talked Amy into having keeping her anthropological treats exclusively between The Three Menstruateers. The more current (and infinitely more awesome) tradition of bar hopping and male strip clubs could wait for Bernadette's less important friends when they arrived for the wedding in May. Amy had readily agreed. She had come to enjoy going out to drink with the girls but Chip 'n Dales was still a little outside her comfort zone.

This, for some reason unfathomable to Penny, was not.

The three girls were at Howard's house that night for the use of his mother's Jacuzzi tub. None of their apartments had bathrooms big enough to be comfortable and Bernadette didn't want to give her own mother a heart attack. Mrs. Wolowitz was visiting her sister in Ventura and Howard was spending the night at Raj's. Since Howard had so graciously and quickly volunteered his home, Penny was busy searching the bathroom for hidden cameras while Amy unpacked her 'party favors'. Bernadette walked in to find her standing on the toilet looking at a suspicious spider.

"Penny, what are you doing?" Before she could think Penny answered.

"Just checking for cam… um…."

"Come on, Penny. You can't seriously think my Howie would do a thing like that." Penny swallowed the reflexive _"Hell, yes!"_ It was too late to start telling Bernadette stories about Howard's past now.

"Of course not. It was… Raj." That was good. Actually, it wasn't even a lie. "He was way too interested when you brought it up before and he's over here all the time." She smashed the spider and teetered as the lid shifted under her. "Help me down, will ya'?"

Penny had hoped to get Amy drunk enough to pass out before the end of the night, but that was an epic fail. Amy had actually brought a laminated Gantt chart and a water proof watch to track her alcohol consumption, saying she had a responsibility as the maid of honor to oversee proceedings and couldn't afford to overindulge this time. When Penny realized it was a lost cause she decided to do Amy's drinking for her. Bernadette followed her lead.

The start of the evening passed smoothly enough. Nothing scary. They sang songs and wove flowers into pretty crowns. Penny discovered she and Amy knew a lot of the same campfire songs; Penny'd learned hers from her dad and Amy from her time infiltrating the Boy Scouts. It was actually a lot of fun. The liquor flowed, and when Amy said it was time to get naked, no one really cared anymore. Bernadette did ask for all camera phones to be confined to a shoe box in the closet. She did not want end up on line. Again.

Amy complimented both girls (but especially Penny) on their beautiful skin as she added some quaint symbols (similar to what you would find in a bathroom stall) to the elegant Greek letters she had finished applying while Bernadette tried to keep still on a towel over the toilet. Only her face was left completely free of marks. Penny joined in, adding little hearts and flowers to any bare patches on her back. When Amy was done she waved a fan she'd brought over Bernadette to prevent smearing while Penny started the bubble bath. The movement in the air brought in a whiff of something horrible from the rest of the house. Penny held her hand in front of her nose. It smelled like rancid soup and burnt popcorn.

"What is that stink?" She stood up and yelled out the door. "Mrs. Wolowitz, are you home?" Amy handed her the fan and shook her head.

"No, don't worry. That's just a little hide and fat burning on the stove." Penny stared at her.

"Do I want to know why?" Bernadette asked.

"Just keeping it authentic. In the absence of proof that there are no gods it doesn't hurt to do things right. Don't worry; I've got the ceiling fan on and the windows open. You won't be able to smell it in a minute anyway." She lit some incense and picked up a red candle. Bernadette squirmed. She was starting to feel itchy.

"Can I wash this off now?"

"In a minute, Bernie." Amy lit the candle and handed it to her. Then she took Penny's hand and continued in a serious voice, "We beseech the gods to bless your forthcoming marital union with health, happiness, and fertility."

"You know, I wouldn't mind skipping the fertility part," Bernadette suggested. Amy frowned.

"I thought that was the point of marriage." Penny did not want to get into this kind of discussion while she was drunk.

"How 'bout some help dealing with your mother-in-law? You know you'll never get rid of her."

"Ugh. You're right." Bernadette nodded. "I could use some help with that." Amy shrugged.

"Fine, now blow out…"

"Hey," Penny interrupted. "I had to strip down for this too, don't I get a wish?"

"Oh, well the ritual is for the bride but…" Amy grinned "How can I say no to that face? Go ahead. Give her the candle, Bernadette." Penny took the candle and Amy and Bernadette held hands.

"Same as always, gods of the bathtub. Give me an Oscar." She stopped and thought about it a little more. "I guess a movie first would help." She handed the candle to Amy.

"OK, Ames. Now you." Amy hesitated.

"As I said this isn't really meant…"

"Oh, come on, Amy," Bernadette teased, glad to see her looking uncomfortable for once. "Just say it. What do you want?" Amy turned bright red. The other girls couldn't help it. They started laughing.

"Fine! I want Sheldon Cooper." The laughter stopped. Sure, they'd both figured that out by now but they weren't really expecting that much honesty from a sober Amy Farrah Fowler.

"Oh, Amy," Bernadette sighed.

"I can't stop thinking about what Leonard said- that Sheldon actually hit him when he spoke about his good time with me and his sore groin."

"That was romantic but…"

"You mean disturbing," Penny interrupted. Bernadette seemed to think it was sexy any time a man badly because of a woman. "Are sure you don't want me to bring Zach out with us some night?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He's undeniably delicious but the man barely has enough intelligence to speak. He certainly didn't understand a word I said to him." Penny looked a little sheepish after that.

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I couldn't take it for long, either."

"That's fine, Amy. But Sheldon?" Bernadette shook her head. "I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you. And there are other guys out there besides Zach and Sheldon. Cute _and_ smart, even if not to those extremes."

"I know, I know. It's just a thought." She blew out the candle and put it down. "All right. In the tub. Time to get wet."


	2. Crafting The Blessings

**Crafting a Blessing**

The three goddesses followed the movements of the three girls below as they moved to the bath. Aphrodite scratched her head.

"These don't sound like devoted priestesses to me."

"No, obviously not." Athena said. "But I must admit this is the most accurate ritual of its kind I've seen in centuries." Hera looked back towards the main party. Hermes was just starting to warm the crowd up for Zeus's big speech. They could spare her a while longer. "What do you think?" The three looked at each other and shrugged. Why not?

As was only appropriate, Hera started them off. "I can help the bride find common ground with the groom's mother." She perused the girl's memories of past encounters with her." I don't think she realizes how much they're alike. Honestly, this isn't even a challenge." She cackled. "I'll have them teaming up against her fiancé in no time. As for fertility," she shook her head "I can't be expected to ignore prayers that well drawn,"

"She's on The Pill," Aphrodite interjected. Hera waved her hand dismissively. "Not an issue."

"Come on, give her a break," Aphrodite whined.

"All right," Hera said, giving in. "I suppose I could live with just one pregnancy. I haven't done triplets in a while." The others nodded. Hera wasn't in the habit of compromising. "OK, the next was a career request. Athena?" Athena leaned in to look more closely at the other blonde's ambition.

"I admire her perseverance. Unfortunately, she's broken so many oaths sworn against future awards I could never grant her main request." She reached into the water and passed her hand through the girl's chest, pulling out and fingering various threads of fate until she found one that hadn't been singed at the end. "She's never sworn on a Cleo."

"A what?"

"They're for commercials. And she's already acted in one on her own." She held out her arm and a large owl descended upon her wrist. "Glaucus here can pull her head shots through the dreams of a few Mad Men. We'll see where it goes. I can't guarantee anything." Hera patted her arm.

"It's not your fault. She didn't leave you much to work with." She turned to Aphrodite. "Last of all, a simple request for love."

Aphrodite looked down at the brunette. She remained silent. After a few minutes, Hera realized she wasn't concentrating. She was sulking.

"Aphrodite, you're up." She groaned and shook her head.

"You know I make it a rule to reward beauty."

"Tell that to Psyche," Athena muttered. Aphrodite shot her a dark look then looked back down.

"Well, this one knows her place, _unlike Psyche_. She honors true beauty properly when she sees it. I like that" She held her chin in her hand and nodded. "I can throw her a pity blessing." She abandoned her tempting yet awkward pose and settled comfortably before the water's edge. She gave Hera a beseeching look. "I need to know more about this Sheldon Cooper to make this work."

"Very well. Let's take a look at her heart's desire." She splashed the image and a new scene came into view as the waters calmed. They watched as a tall, thin man came into view, manipulating a half-finished geometric shape on the table before him. Hera tilted her head and looked at Athena. "Did I hear wrong? I thought he was a barrel maker."

"No, names don't work that way anymore. This one looks like an artist." She shook her head. "Not a very good one."

"Oh, goody. I love artists!" Aphrodite chirped. "All angsty and full of sexual dysfunctions! I love playing with them." Aphrodite reached down and swept a hand through his liver. She frowned. She drew her fingers through his heart. She frowned again.

"What's the matter?" Hera asked. "Is he gay?"

"No, that wouldn't be insurmountable for me but… I can't…" She threw her hands up, splashing the others as they leaned in. "There's nothing here!"

"Nothing?" Hera didn't try to hide her annoyance as she brushed the water off her samite robes.

"Nothing I normally go for. Nothing, you know…" she clenched her fists and drew them down to her belly "…lustful." Athena looked askance at her.

"Can't you just let Eros shoot an arrow at him?" Aphrodite jumped to her feet.

"Don't tell me how to do my job! I'm not stupid! There's nothing for the arrow to hit!" Hermes stopped the sight gag with the lyre and looked over, concerned. Hera shushed her and pulled on the end of her toga.

"Sit down. Don't make a scene. Are you saying you need some help?"

"I can do it." She sat back down and continued swiping at the man. When she didn't let up the man began shivering with every pass.

"Aphrodite…" Hera said warningly. She finally sat back and wiped her hands off on the grass.

"I suppose a second opinion couldn't hurt." Hera nodded and reached in to sweep his heart.

"I don't know what you're complaining about. Maybe no eros but plenty of philia in here. See, here; His friends are all there, even the one he calls a 'treasured acquaintance'." Aphrodite grunted and waved her hand dismissively. Hera continued. "Yes, I admit I still don't see any passion but the girl is in there. In fact, she has the strongest philia of all next to someone named Leonard… Storge for his brother, his sister, his best friend's mother for some reason. He has a strong sense of agape for his mother and grandmother.

"Ooh, that could be useful". Aphrodite grinned. "You can always twist mother love around." Then the confusion returned to her face. "But I still don't see any sexual fantasies, do you?" Hera wiggled her fingers and the man squirmed some more and burped. A series of static images of imaginary comic heroines and movie actresses floated to the surface of the water.

"What about these?"

"No, that's no help. He doesn't _play_ with them at all." Hera creased her eyebrows.

"Are you _certain_ he's not gay?"

"Yes! These have the right 'color' attached. He admires them at least. Most of the male images are tinged with envy." She sat back and looked to Athena to speak next, but she just sat there looking smug. Aphrodite reddened and glared at her but Athena only arched an eyebrow. Hera intervened.

"Athena? If you're not too busy?" Athena graciously inclined her head and swept her hand through his head. This time it was too much. He jumped up and began batting at his ears while he shook his head violently. They could hear him babbling about ladybugs.

"Wow. He's not an artist he's… WOW, I'm starting to see what she sees in him." Glaucus hooted and hopped up to her shoulder.

"Athena! Focus."

"Yes, yes." She took a breath and composed herself. "His head is full of her. Much more than the man, Leonard. He's annoyed she won't answer his texts while she's hanging out with the girls tonight. Even now he's thinking of the next conversation he wants to have with her. Vexillology. Lucky girl! I don't think she needs any more help."

"Obviously, she does. Look deeper."

"He's constantly thinking about his schedule and he's determined to win a Nobel Prize. All other interests are subordinate." She looked at Aphrodite, who looked confused. "That means not as important." Aphrodite narrowed her eyes, suspecting she'd just been insulted. "He did have a very strong negative reaction when he mistook an outing with a man as sexual. She wasn't wrong about the reason behind his reaction there. So you don't need to make him notice her, just change his state of mind."

"Correct me if I'm wrong," Hera said, "but I don't see this occurring naturally." Athena shook her head. "No, you're right. He's too comfortable with the relationship as it stands. It's not impossible, though. The girl just needs to know which buttons to push." She folded her arms confidently. "I can give her the strategy to move from philia to agape. I'm positive."

"Yes, but the eros?" Aphrodite waved her arms. Athena pursed her lips.

"Hmm."

"Could we ramp up the jealousy?" Hera asked. "You said even now he's annoyed that she's spending time with the girls instead of him, how would he feel about more men in her life?" Athena shook her head.

"I don't think she's the kind of girl to run around gathering wild oats". Aphrodite rejoined the conversation.

"Maybe not, but she's loosened up a lot lately. If I can get some men to approach her she might at least be receptive." She clapped her hands excitedly. "I'll send in Eros to enflame _her_ libido, just enough to get her to leave her comfort zone. Then…"

Suddenly a golden apple sailed over the wall and fell before their feet.


	3. The Center of Attention

**The Center of Attention**

Zeus stopped midsentence as the catfight broke out from the courtyard.

"What the Deus? Hermes!"

"Sir?"

"Take care of that!"

"Me?"

"Yes, you." He pointed his thick finger out over the crowd. "They're bothering the guests." Hermes looked around. A few looked worried but most were giggling behind their hands and pointing. It was not unlike seeing a fight break out at a rock concert; great fun as long as it stays on the other side of the room. He looked back at Zeus to object, only to watch as his face rapidly came to resemble a thundercloud. Hermes groaned to himself. What it all boiled down to was no one was paying attention to Zeus. He wiggled his toes nervously but he didn't see a way to bow out. He was indispensable but most of the gods made fun of him for it. 'The Oompa Loompa of Mount Olympus', they called him. Hermes knew which side his bread was buttered on. He had to keep Dad happy.

"Yes, sir. It's completely unacceptable." He briefly observed the goddesses' struggle as a small golden ball passed in and out of view. He tightened the Velcro on his sandal straps and skipped over quick as the wind, easily slipping in to catch the object as it rolled between the clawed, grasping hands. As soon as he had it he leapt to the top of the fountain, but he still lost a feather off his sandal when Hera tried to grab him. He tried to speak loudly enough to be heard over their howls of frustration but low enough that Zeus couldn't hear. "Have you gone insane? It's Zeus's big speech! You know how this works." The goddesses didn't let up for a second, all of them reaching up and growling at him like the undead at the bottom of the River Styx.

"You slimy little bastard you give that back! It's for me!

"No, it's mine! Honey, please…"

"If you would just look at it you ingrate it would be obvious…"

"Look at what? How can a piece of gold possibly cause…" he looked at it.

TO THE FAIREST

_Crap on a cracker. This is all about vanity?_ "Why don't we just calm down and settle this _after _the speech." They didn't even deign to answer him. He started hopping from rock to rock as Athena circled around to flank him while the others approached from the sides. He could hear the guests laughing out loud at them now. Well, at him. He hissed down at them.

"Stop. Stop it! Listen to that! You know what will happen if you keep this up!" They looked over at Zeus and paused to reconsider. They stopped their advance.

"Fine. Then you decide."

"Me?"

"You're always boasting about a good mediator you are. Prove it." He looked doubtfully at their faces. "You have no problem conforming to a judgment made by an inferior?"

"Of course not."

"As long as it's the correct judgment."

"Ditto."

_This cannot end well. _He looked back and forth nervously between them and Zeus, who looked ready to come down from the podium. He'd be lucky to keep his wings if that happened. Even so he saw no way to quickly stop the fight between the women. The gods have never been kind to the messenger of bad news. Being immortal just made it worse. He looked down into the water and knew what he had to do.

Pass the buck.

"My decision is", he said as he threw the apple down into the fountain, "ask him." Athena and Hera immediately let go of the rocks and dropped into the water. Aphrodite stayed a fraction of a second longer just to flip him off. _Guess I've had my last date with her. _He looked around as she disappeared. The other gods were staring in disappointment. No blood shed, not even a torn toga. It was all he would have expected from the bloodthirsty bunch but a little admiration for the quick conclusion would have been nice. "You're welcome" he shouted sarcastically. He looked at Zeus. He still looked furious. _I cannot catch a break! "_Hey, you never know, they could be gone for days." The purple left Zeus's face and a smile appeared like the sun breaking out from the clouds. That meant _Hera_ could be gone for days. He turned back to the audience and began again, this time addressing his words specifically to a pretty wood nymph sitting underneath a tower of grapes. Hermes stalked off in silence. He was feeling the need for some 'me' time.

"As I was saying, although marriage is an unending, often torturous state of existence, you can always find a little happiness if you remember to…"


	4. Bad Company

**This whole story grew backwards and forwards from this point. Sheldon's related his 'trauma' in Florida before. When I heard Carrie Fisher tell her story about 'Florida' (delivered by Aphrodite here) on YouTube a rather deformed plot bunny was born. Plus, I **_**always **_**have mythology and fairy tales running through my head, so I decided to just go crazy with it. **

**Bad Company**

Sheldon had his head in the sink while he tried to rinse his ears out. An enormous crash sounded behind him. He jerked in fright and yelped as he hit his ear on the faucet. He turned around, cradling his ear, and screamed. His death star had been destroyed and the coffee table had a crack running through it. He saw a shiny gold object drop off the table and roll under the couch. He ran over and looked incredulously at the closed, undamaged windows. He knelt down and reached under the couch. He pulled out a heavy, golden apple that he'd never seen in the apartment before. Before he could attempt to examine it he heard two soft thumps. He looked up and yelped again. Amy and Bernadette were suddenly standing in his living room.

"I thought you were at… How…" Sheldon stopped talking. They looked… wrong. Bernadette was wearing a princess wedding gown, which was odd, considering what Amy had told him about her plans for the evening. But the really disturbing thing was the outline of her shadow. It was far too large. It wasn't even to scale with Amy's, although she was standing right next to her; Amy, who had been quite clear on her aversion to costumes, yet even now was taking a Star Wars storm trooper helmet off her head, tucking it under her left arm. On the opposite shoulder sat Ricky. He was sitting uncharacteristically still and silent with his large, glaring eyes focused on his fingers as he wiggled them before his face. Sheldon really hated that monkey.

"Did that thing do this? Do you know how many months I've been working on this? Honestly, Amy! If you want to carry around an animal go get a..." Then Penny just appeared out of nowhere. Her breasts and hips had increased to Marilyn Monroe dimensions and her legs were an easy six inches longer. She looked like Missy's old Malibu Barbie doll. That is, if Barbie ever wore a slave Leia bikini outfit. He felt ill. He'd never realized how creepy Howard's action figure really was. He could only think of one thing to say. He pointed at Penny.

"Those proportions are not anatomically correct!"

"No. But they're anatomically awesome."

Bernadette stepped forward. The floor creaked loudly under her petite feet. The other two stepped back so that her unjustifiably large shadow did not touch them but stayed close. She began to speak.

"Sheldon Cooper. You have been chosen for a great honor." He wasn't sure why, but he didn't think he believed her.

"Uh-huh."

"I am Hera, queen of the gods. This is Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty, and this is Athena, goddess of war and wisdom. We require your judgment on a very important matter."

_Is this really happening?_ His ear was swelling but his head had stopped buzzing. He didn't think a ladybug could chew through to brain matter that quickly. Bernadette, that is, Hera, pointed at his hands.

"It's quite simple. All you need to do is decide which of us that apple belongs to." He looked at it again. It was engraved: καλλίστῃ. He couldn't speak Greek but he took a chance on the theme he saw developing.

"To the fairest?"

"Exactly." He stared at them, then broke out in a breathy, nervous laugh.

"No, no, no, no, no! They forced me to read this story as an undergrad. Even if it _was_ real it happened thousands of years ago."

"What does he mean?" Aphrodite asked.

"I've got this." Athena stepped forward and spoke soothingly to him. "Sheldon,"

"Yes, A… Athena?"

"Have you ever been on an astral plane?"

"No."

"Are you an immortal?"

"No. And unfortunately the math shows I never will be."

"I could show you the math for this but my companions can be a little impatient. Suffice it to say it doesn't matter what 'happened' in an old story. This is happening NOW. To YOU. So get ahold of yourself and focus on the task at hand. It should be easy for someone like you." Aphrodite stepped forward gestured down the length of her body.

"Just tell us who you find to be the most beautiful." He looked incredulously at the adulterated forms of his female friends.

"This can't possibly be what you really look like."

"Don't be ridiculous," Hera said. "The sight of us in our full glory, especially mine, would incinerate you before you could give us an answer. Suffice it to say these forms are representative of the whole package, based on your own mental dictionary."

"You honestly expect me to choose a winner without knowing her true image?"

"Just use your instincts."

"Instincts," he looked disgusted. "I think you should go ask Howard. Or, you know, anyone but me."

"That's nice, but we're asking you." He tugged at the collar of his thermal undershirt.

"May I offer you a beverage? I could certainly use one."

"Sheldon! Stop stalling!" He jumped.

"I'm sorry! I'm in the habit of evaluating quantitative, not qualitative data."

"We could strip if you need more… data." Aphrodite waggled her eyebrows at him. Hera looked game but Athena grimaced as she gave a perfunctory nod.

"If you insist."

"Good lord, no!" He regretted his outburst immediately. _That's how Penny looks when she wants to hit me._ He quickly qualified his answer. "Surely that would defeat any symbolic meaning in your costumes."

"Come on, sweetie. You have to consider the whole package." Aphrodite sat on the coffee table and tried to strike a seductive pose. She frowned and repositioned herself. And again. She adjusted the bottom of the bikini and nudged the bra where it was digging into her arm. Sheldon felt a moment of gratitude that he'd never seen the real Penny looking that skanky. He made a mental note to compliment her on her wardrobe if he lived to see her again. "This is very pretty but it doesn't move at all," Aphrodite complained as she looked down at it. A look of surprise came over her face, and she smiled as she stretched backwards across the coffee table, leaning on her elbows and curving her spine just a touch. She laughed. "Look at that! From this angle you can see all the way to Florida!" Sheldon shivered. _I hate Florida._

"I lost my hotdog to a seagull down there."

Aphrodite hung her head back and smiled at him. Athena grunted in exasperation.

"Did we not just go over this? He doesn't talk dirty."

"But he just said…"

"He meant a SEAGULL and a HOTDOG, bimbo!" Aphrodite jumped up and stalked over to Athena, sharply poking her finger into her chest. The multiple layers may have explained why Athena showed no sign of pain.

"Stop talking to me like I'm stupid!" Sheldon tried very hard not to fall apart as the two began to insult each other. He remembered having to stand in the middle of the room this very same way while his parents fought. He wished he could he could muster the courage to move the foot he needed to sit down in his spot. The monkey jumped up and down on Athena's shoulder and hissed at the goddess of love. She spat back at it. "I don't care! He knows what a sex object's supposed to look like even if he doesn't know what to do with one!" The yelling increased in volume. He cringed at something particularly nasty Athena shouted. Hearing such vitriol spewing forth from someone who resembled Amy in so many ways was like having a glimpse into hell. Sheldon tried to swallow his rising panic and looked around desperately for a distraction. His eyes fell on Hera. She was smiling innocently at him with her hands demurely folded on the curve of her hoop skirt. He was rapidly losing his concentration but the enormous wedding gown she wore certainly qualified as a conversation starter.

"May I ask why, if you were officiating at someone else's wedding, as the story goes, you're the one dressed in…" The smile on her face vanished.

"What? You have a problem with my dress?"

"No! I'd never…"Her shadow darkened and now he could recognize the large shape as well as the grating voice that suddenly bellowed forth from her tiny frame. "I'M THE GODDESS OF MARRIAGE AND QUEEN OF MOUNT OLYMPUS! EVERYDAY IS MY SPECIAL DAY!" Aphrodite and Athena stopped yelling and stepped away from each other. Somewhere in the apartment, a common field cricket chirped. Athena cleared her throat and tugged down the front of her cardigan.

"Yes, some symbols are universal but there are always some surprises. Glaucus here as a monkey, that's a new twist, but you can always count on me to look like a librarian." Sheldon felt like he could cry with the relief that washed over him now that the fighting had stopped. He gave that breathy laugh again and waved his hands at her.

"Don't be silly. You look like an esteemed scientist." Athena blushed.


	5. The Kobayashi Maru

**When this is all said and done, I might just combine this chapter with the last one. Opinions welcome. In the meantime…**

**The Kobayashi Maru**

Hera and Aphrodite looked at each other, certain Sheldon was about to give the apple to Athena. Neither was known for being a good loser. Aphrodite rushed up to Sheldon and grabbed his arms. He jerked away.

"Look, just give me the apple and I will give you the most beautiful… I mean. The most willing…" She stopped and rolled her eyes to the ceiling. "Dammit!" Athena laughed.

"Didn't think that through, did you? You were saying, Sheldon?"

"Well, it was just a standalone statement of opinion. I didn't mean to…"

Hera stepped up to him. Even though he had her beat her in height Sheldon was _positive _she was looking down at him.

"Sheldon, you give me that apple now and tomorrow morning you will be named the new chair of the physics department with full funding control and decision making power. How does that sound?" Sheldon's ears perked up.

"But that's Dr. Gabelhauser's job."

"Well, he's not immortal either, is he?" Aphrodite shoved back in between them and waved her arms frantically for him to wait.

"Oh! Your own slave! A maid for life!" Aphrodite turned back stuck her tongue out at the others before continuing. "You hate dirt, am I right? Plus, if you're ever, you know, bored, she'd be more than qualified to show you the cruder things in life." Athena quickly moved to Aphrodite's side and spoke out of the side of her mouth.

"What are you doing?" She said out of the corner of her mouth. "What about _you know who_?" Aphrodite didn't even try to be quiet.

"Whatever. I want to win. Anyway, I bet she'd be grateful if he learned something."

"But…"

"Come on, Shelly." Aphrodite did a little belly dancing move. "I can make her green!" Athena waved her hands at her. Why should she be the only one playing fair? She could play dirty, too.

"Dr. Cooper, pick me and before you die you will see Sheldonopolis become a reality. Not just the name! I'm talking the true vision of your 'Brave New World'. Your name will live in glory forever!" He stroked his chin thoughtfully. This was definitely an easier set of criteria to evaluate than something as subjective as 'beauty'.

"Hmmm…" He turned to Aphrodite. "Well, you can't own someone, at least not since…" Aphrodite looked at him blankly. "1863. And notwithstanding the negligible increase in social status I would receive from a slave, I already have Leonard." He turned to the others. "You see he's responded so well to the conditioning and the legality of the Roommate Agreement approaches indentured servitude anyway. Not to mention…"

"Yes, but…" Sheldon ignored Aphrodite.

"…he'd probably just engage in coitus with her the first chance he had and then _no one_ would be cleaning. So, it's a choice between an immediate short cut to power over and respect from my so-called peers or a guarantee of future success in my dreams to better mankind." Hera jerked her chin at Aphrodite.

"Why don't you run on home, sweetheart? We'll tell you later how it turns out." Sheldon had turned away, intent on going to his board to enumerate the points in favor of either reward. Aphrodite cut him off and shoved him back towards the couch.

"Hey!" He shouted. "Stop touching me!"

"You think you can dismiss me just like that?" Seduction wasn't the only way Aphrodite got what she wanted. Psyche would have warned him if she'd been there. "Maybe you've been lying to yourself for so long you actually BELIEVE you don't care about love. Well right now that's an OPTIONAL lifestyle choice. So help me gods, if EITHER of them walks out of here with that apple your genitalia will be neither functional NOR aesthetically pleasing!" He covered his crotch and whimpered. She whirled back towards the others and brushed her chin at them. "Go suck on that!"

"What the hell?" Hera shoved Athena to the side so hard she nearly fell over and Glaucus did. She shook her finger at Sheldon, once again channeling the voice of Mrs. Wolowitz better than any 19th century medium ever could.

"You listen to me, freak! Do you think Nobel Prizes get handed out just for the 'science'? How the hell do you explain Al Gore? You give it to her and I don't care if you invent _time travel_, you will NEVER get a Nobel Prize."

"B-b-b-but, I'm supposed to… That's not fair!" He was so flustered he nearly stuck his fingers in his mouth before he remembered the germs. He looked at Athena as she steadied herself and Glaucus climbed back up to her shoulder. He wasn't very good at reading emotions but he thought she liked him. If she was willing to give up her claim and come over to his side he might be able to get through this. He gave her his best koala smile. Athena sighed.

"I can't lie; I couldn't bear to harm such a beautiful mind." Sheldon's smile became genuine.

"Perhaps you could offer me some protect… "

"However", she said as she looked him in the eye. "If you don't give me that apple I will ensure you never win another game of Halo so long as you live." Sheldon stood stock still for a full minute. Finally his voice came back as he began to quake.

"Oh, lord." His eyes darted rapidly between the goddesses. He began to hyperventilate.  
"Oh, lord!" Aphrodite couldn't believe it.

"You have to think about this?" What was the world coming to when threatening a man's penis didn't instantly get you what you wanted? Sheldon's eye began to twitch and he started to stutter.

"What is he doing?"

"Is that Japanese?"

"I think he's about to..."

X

X

X

Sheldon came to almost immediately. He could hear the goddesses talking over his head even though his vision was still out.

"….hell is a Kobayashi Maru?"

"How should I know? I do wisdom, not trivia." The monkey chittered. "Star Trek?" Sheldon blinked and looked up. Athena was looking doubtfully at Glaucus as he blew a raspberry and threw out all his appendages like a tiny bomb going off. "It means a no-win situation," she told the others. She looked down at him with something close to pity. "Poor thing's spot on about that."

"That's not our problem." Sheldon sat up and tried to nonchalantly brush loose Legos off his spot. He pulled himself up into it as if he were in the middle of trench warfare, careful not to extend any appendage, especially his head, one millimeter further out than he had to. Once he was back where he belonged he took several deep breaths in an effort not to pass back out.

"So?"

"I just need to gather my thoughts."

"Look, you have to make a decision. This is non-optional."

"Just a minute."

"Just suck it up and stop stalling!"

"Ladies, please!" They finally fell silent. Sheldon's eyes went unfocused as he tried to work through the problem. _Spock always has the answers. Spock found a solution to his Kobayashi Maru. _Sheldon grimaced_. Oh, but he died_. He shivered. _Not preferable_. He leant forward in concentration. _Why did they come here, anyway? _Sheldon began to unconsciously toy with the chain dangling from Aphrodite's collar as he scribbled notes across his mental whiteboard. _Were they were admiring my spot? _Aphrodite giggled. He became aware of what his hands were doing and dropped the chain like a hot potato. _Good Lord, Cooper, concentrate! _He picked the apple back up and squeezed his eyes shut. _Spock doesn't have the answer I need. Not this time. _He tried to let his mind wander in an attempt at free association.

He remembered Mom giving him a rubber bracelet last year she said would help him in new social situations. He had thrown the piece of junk away immediately but once he experienced anything he could never forget it. Not that he could see how asking WWJD would help him here. His mind was suddenly open to possibilities of creation that weren't necessarily mathematically proven but he shuddered to think what might happen if he tried to call on the name of an as yet unproven deity when there were three undeniably angry ones hovering over him right now. _Where does that leave me?_ _Of course! Only one man has beaten the Kobayashi Maru and lived. _The goddesses wondered if Sheldon had begun praying when they heard him softly mutter an unfamiliar chant.

_WWKD_

_WWKD _

_WWKD_

_WWKD_

_WWKD _

_WWKD…_


	6. Party's Over

**Party's Over**

Guilt or not, the girls had been sure to discuss ground rules before the night was officially 'on'. The first rule had been laid out by Penny weeks ago. No hands- just loofas. The second rule was that all body parts had to be named aloud before touching. The third was no pictures or mementos. In fact, they would never speak of it again. After they'd agreed to that Penny hadn't seen the need to talk about anything else. A few bad dates when she was younger had taught her that spelling out too many rules just encouraged people to start looking for loopholes. But Amy never realized when enough was enough. Penny couldn't give two shits about the tedious, trivial details Amy insisted on babbling on about. Women's history or geographic growth regions or certified ingredients or blah, blah-blah, blah, whatever else Amy insisted on sharing. Penny didn't want to think about any of it again until she had to. And when night finally arrived she just wanted to go full speed ahead and get it over with. The only question she had for Amy as she drove her to Howard's was whether she was sure this 'authentic' body paint was safe. Amy showed her a test mark she'd made on her own arm earlier that day. It was still very well defined and there was no sign of burning or irritation. Penny said that was all she needed to know.

That was a mistake.

XXXXXXXX

The room was full of steam and the scent of eucalyptus. Penny recognized the scent from Sheldon's vapor rub. She kept flashing back to having to rub it on his chest when he was sick. This wasn't that different. She'd rather be anywhere but here but it wasn't as bad as she'd thought it would be. There were loofas everywhere. Penny had brought extras so there'd be no need to search for them under the bubbles in case one was 'accidentally' dropped. As they approached the tub Bernadette reminded Amy again about the ground rules. Amy had been horrified at the suggestion of funny business in the water but not because she was offended. After regaling the girls with tales of women who had suffered burns or even drowned after getting their hair caught in Jacuzzi jets, the girls had to have another drink and kill the power to the tub before they could bring themselves to step in. Penny reminded Amy again to please stop talking so they could 'bond better'.

Amy hummed happily while she scrubbed Bernadette's back. She kept using the scientific names to name her body parts (to be as specific as possible) whenever she moved more than an inch. Penny had to keep nudging Bernadette and asking her to translate. How could there possibly so many words for 'back'?

"I never knew how dirty Latin was, or is it just me?" Bernadette shook her head and patted Penny's arm.

"It's you."

Penny struggled not to pass out as she scrubbed. Bernadette was yawning too, but then she started to squint at her arm, unsure if she was seeing right without her glasses on. Penny tried to focus on what Bernadette was looking at. She wished she hadn't.

_The symbols aren't washing off. They aren't washing off!_ Amy stopped humming. Penny looked over Bernadette's shoulder at her. Amy looked worried. Penny felt her stomach drop.

"What did you say you used again?" realizing she'd never really asked.

"Lawsonia Inermis. The traditional English name is Camphire." She squeezed some more body wash onto her loofah and scrubbed as hard as she dared at one of Penny's hearts. "Sheldon helped me order it from a reputable vendor. I'm positive it's the right stuff. But," she looked up Penny. "I seem to be having trouble getting it off." Bernadette swayed in the water and rubbed at her chest. Alarm was starting to penetrate her happy alcoholic fog.

"Penny?" Penny tried to shrug nonchalantly.

"Maybe you just need some lotion or something to get it off. You know, like mascara. Let me just look it up on my phone." She grabbed the orthopedic assist bar and pulled herself out of the tub. Bernadette grabbed the edge of the tub and waved a soapy finger after her.

"Don't you dare bring that thing in here!"

"I won't." Penny nearly fell over as soon as she stepped out of the tub. All she needed was to end up in the ER with a dislocated shoulder again. "Amy? Why don't you come… help me with the spelling." _And keep me from killing myself._ She grabbed a towel and slung her arm around Amy's shoulder as they dripped around the corner to the walk-in closet. She pulled out her phone and typed in the name. It popped up right away. Amy wasn't the first person to use it for body art. _Shit._

"Henna? Amy, that can last for weeks!" The blood drained from Amy's face.

"What's taking so long out there?" Bernadette yelled after them.

"Weeks? No, that can't be right! I told Sheldon it just had to remain indelible up to the point we got in the bath." She grabbed the smartphone and searched some more. "Don't panic. It's fine. Methanol combined with mild scrubbing will reduce the strength of the dye until it disappears in…" she looked up…. "Oh, no." She put the phone down and slowly walked back into the bathroom. "Bernadette, do you need to go out in public for the next, say, three to four days?" Bernadette was a smart girl. She'd just gotten her PhD, after all. She knew what Amy was getting at. She looked at Penny as she staggered in after Amy.

"Penny, am I hearing her right?"

"I'm sorry Bernadette. It turns out it's… well, henna." That's when everything went to hell.

Bernadette practically levitated out of the bath. Soap suds flew everywhere as she wildly gesticulated and one of her pretty pink hair clips fell out as she shook with rage.

"I cannot walk around with genitals on my hands! I'm supposed to have lunch with my director on Monday and I'm taking Howard to meet my parents tomorrow!" Amy looked like she was about to cry.

"I'm sorry. I was just trying… I didn't know…" Bernadette climbed out of the tub, murder in her eyes. Penny stepped between them.

"Wait, wait, wait!" A memory was teasing her through the rum and panic. With the door wide open she could smell the stink from the kitchen again. _Howard's mom is going to kill Amy if Bernadette doesn't beat her to it. Come on, Penny. Something like this happened to… someone I know… once. _She tried to think.

"The whore of Omaha…" she said aloud. _She cheated on everybody but that time..._

"Do you think this is funny? Get out of my way, Penny!"

Penny giggled. She remembered. _The tattoo artist. _Penny's stomach was getting upset. She burped and tried to keep it down a little longer. She grabbed Bernadette as she tried to push by her and pulled one of her pornographic hands up to her face. "I betchya… what d'ya wanna bet I can change this into a pretty lil' butterfly?"


	7. Paradigm Shift

**Paradigm Shift**

_WWKD_

_WWKD_

_What would Kirk do?_

_Kirk would cheat._

_How do I cheat?_

_Change the rules._

_How do I change the rules?_

Sheldon grinned and smacked the arm of the couch. He wiggled his tushy deeper into the cushion and sat up confidently. The goddesses stepped back and look at each other warily; tense and ready to fight. This is why he caught them by surprise when he said,

"May I ask how you found this apple?" Hera recovered first.

"I thought you knew, smarty-pants." Sheldon turned his head away and held out his hands modestly.

"Please, I am merely mortal and can't know everything. Lay it out for me, ma'am. I'm in need of some context." They looked at each other and shrugged for the second time that day. Hera continued.

"We were sitting by the fountain after I married Peleus and Thetis. We were discussing… a charity case."

_That again. Clearly code for something important. _Sheldon briefly allowed his mind to speculate. _Could my spot truly be the center of the universe?_ As soon as the thought entered his mind he dismissed it. No, as wonderful as it was he knew better than that. It was just nice to pretend.

"We were just wrapping up when it sailed over the wall and landed in front of our feet."

"Who was at the wedding?"

"Everyone," Aphrodite said.

"Please, be more specific. _Everyone_ was not there."

"Who do you think you are talking to me like…"

"Someone threw the apple from the other side of the wall. Ergo, not everyone could have been present within the walls. It is my understanding a human being can't just walk up to Mount Olympus and make a scene, correct? So who was not invited, yet had access to approach the walls and lob this over to you?" Hera crossed her arms.

"There were plenty of demigods who could have come close." Athena shook her head.

"But only Heracles could have thrown it high enough and he's been dead for years." Sheldon closed his eyes and smiled.

_Sheldon Cooper, for the win._

"A god then. Or another goddess?" Hera covered her face and groaned.

"Damn." Aphrodite looked at her, alarmed.

"What is it?" Hera uncovered her face and looked upo at the ceiling.

"Eris."

"She wasn't there?"

"No, I told her she couldn't come." Hera began pacing around the room angrily. "Last time she came to a party she ran around telling everyone she saw Dionysus pissing in the wine. It was true but she told him to do it in the first place. All she ever does is cause trouble." The other two stared at her, the truth dawning on them all.

"That bitch!" Aphrodite yelled. Athena hung her head in shame.

"I feel like an idiot." Aphrodite stomped her feet and turned her back on them all.

"Screw this crap. I could have been getting laid by now!" With that she disappeared as suddenly as she'd arrived. Hera's face darkened as she practically growled her realization.

"Zeus probably _is_ getting laid by now," and she and her shadow followed Aphrodite into the ether. Sheldon suddenly found himself alone in the room with Athena. She looked depressed.

"Aphrodite should stick with Hephaestus. Ares is an asshole. Anyway, well played, Sheldon Cooper." He shifted in his spot.

"I don't know. Seems a little anti-climactic." He smiled at her. "I don't suppose I could have some kind of reward?" She just looked at him. "I didn't think so." He took a deep breath. "I'm not sure I want to know, but why were you all looking at me?"

"Be nice to Amy, Sheldon."

"I wasn't talking about her, but of course. I'm always nice to Amy. Why do you say that?"

"Aphrodite hates to lose." She laughed bitterly. "Who am I kidding? We all do." For the life of him, Sheldon could not figure out how to process that.

"I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question." Athena's glum expression turned angry. Before she could say anything, Glaucus started clapping and chittering excitedly. She turned the angry look on him instead.

"I don't care if he's quoting someone. That doesn't make it OK for him to insult me. Especially if he's quoting someone imaginary!" She turned back and pointed her finger at Sheldon. "Just be sure to keep an open mind in the future, Sheldon. Change is coming whether you like it or not." Sheldon jumped up.

"Wait!" That he understood, sort of. "What kind of change? I don't like change. Change is bad." Athena ignored him again. She was losing interest in his eccentricities. She had her own life, after all.

"Well, if Ares and Aphrodite aren't having sex on the table yet I intend to be back in time for the chicken dance. It's my turn to sacrifice the chicken." Glaucus shrieked again. "Yes, and in time for you to watch Babylon 5. But, tomorrow we are going to have a serious talk about how much time you spend watching TV. And as for you," she looked pointedly at Sheldon. "I hope you know that philosophy _did_ exist before Prime Time TV." Sheldon nodded graciously.

"I'll agree to that, if you concede it wasn't much more than boring jibber jabber until someone added space ships and aliens." Athena shook her head in exasperation while Glaucus clapped his hands. She put her stormtrooper helmet back on and vanished.


	8. Two Birds, One Stone

**Two Birds, One Stone**

Once again Sheldon found himself alone in his living room, but not in the idyllic state of an hour ago. The ruins of his 3,417 piece Lego Death Star lay scattered around the room. Some of the pieces had been pulverized. And although the goddesses were gone, the apple that had caused all the trouble was not. There he stood with an unwanted yet priceless object in his hands and no idea what to do with it. Not to mention that without the distraction of a supernatural threat the mess was impossible to ignore. He sat back down and turned the heavy object in his hands as he looked it over. It hadn't suffered a scratch in the fall and was truly lovely, but the problems it could cause were reminiscent of The One Ring of Sauron. He reread the divisive Greek lettering. Well, he knew one thing for sure. He couldn't give it to his friends and he was not about to hop on a flight to Hawaii to try and drop it in a volcano. He had a schedule to keep, after all. He put it down on the coffee table and stroked his chin.

_This is nothing compared to the bullet I just dodged. I don't have to solve the secrets of the universe here. I just have to get rid of it._ And just like that, he had the answer_. In fact,_ he thought, looking at the mess around him, _it's the perfect solution._

**The font on this website is a little limiting. The actual ad is much more impressive if you want to check it out. The posting ID is real but FanFiction rules prevent me from posting a direct link. **

**What? All those hookers and baby sellers are OK but Craigslist can't spare a little sense of humor for me?**

CLlos angeles craigslistsan gabriel valleyantiques-by owner

May 29- Apple of Discord-mint-(Pasadena) pic

Apple of Discord, mint condition (Pasadena)

Date: 2012-05-28, 9:48PM PDT  
Reply to: . . .scd [Errors when replying to ads?]

FOR SALE- 1 GOLDEN APPLE

-Psbly solid gold. Unverified.

-Free from dmg/tarnish/blemishes

-Inscribed: καλλίστῃ (Greek: To The Fairest)

-Excellent addition to collection of Hellenic antiquities/cursed objects. Not recommended as a gift.

-Will trade for 1 Lego Death Star II kit model 4250427 (will not accept lame 10188 version) All pieces must be accounted for before completion of transaction.

-CAVEAT EMPTOR: Ownership may be disputed. Bitches be crazy.

Please address all inquiries to ######

-Location: Pasadena

-it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 3050201925

**For the record, "Sheldon" has gotten ten offers and four counteroffers but no one could follow through on the Death Star. I'm sorry to say he got a little rude with his responses. I guess their brains turned off when they saw SOLID GOLD skipped over all the crazy. Muggles. What can you do?**

**X**

**I know I said this would be it, but there's one more chapter to go now. Stop being all 'inspiring' with your reviews! (Ignore that, I love them.)**


	9. Go For Launch

**Got this fixed in the correct cross-over category now. A couple typo corrections but no storyline changes.**

**XXXXXX**

**Go For Launch**

Hermes took a deep breath and tried to look as casual as possible as he walked over to the fountain where the Athena and Aphrodite were sitting once again. He leaned over, allowing his shoulder to brush up against Aphrodite's bare one as he held a golden dish before her. "Care for an olive?" She grunted thanks and blindly began popping them in her mouth. She finally registered the odd sensation on her shoulder and looked at him.

"What are you wearing?" Hermes smiled. He puffed out his chest and the stoked the lightning bolt in the center of his red Flash T-shirt.

"Oh, this? It's nothing. I just happen to be the inspiration for a superhero and I thought I'd show my support for the franchise." She stared at him. Athena laughed.

"Who doesn't have a superhero based off them? You don't see me running around with a golden lasso."

"Hermes! Go get me some more spanakopita." He stood up straight looked at Hera as she walked towards them. He dared to talk back to her.

"We're out of spanakopita."

"Well go make some. And take that off. You look ridiculous." Hermes wilted.

"Oh, it's not that bad. I think it's kind of cute." He looked unbelievingly down at Aphrodite. Not only was she not looking through him with ball-shriveling contempt, she was smiling.

"Really?"

"Really." She showed her teeth and ran her fingers over her collarbone. "Oh, as long as you're cooking, could you whip up some Baklava while you're at it? I'm in the mood for something sweet."

"No problem!" He disappeared in a… well… in a flash. Athena shook her head.

"Pathetic." She gave Glaucus a stroke as preened his feathers while he stood on the edge of the fountain. He'd started showing up to all the status checks without even being called after Athena cut his TV down to one day a week. For the most part, things had gone well. Penny's career was back on track and Athena was using all her energies now to help Aphrodite with Amy. Hera's work was as good as done. Bernadette and Mrs. Wolowitz were already bonding over the stress of the space launch and the wedding was a success. Hera was saving Bernadette's triple 'surprise' until next month at midsummer's eve. She was always a sucker for tradition. Even though she'd run out of excuses, she'd joined the others at the fountain anyway. She actually looked a little embarrassed when the other two looked up at her questioningly.

"What can I say?" she'd said, as she settled herself between them on the grass. "I am so digging the Shamy! I have to know what's next. What are you going to do about that awful soliloquy he gave on the joys of being by himself?" Athena looked at Aphrodite for permission to field that one. Athena and Aphrodite were getting along much better after working together to attack the problem from different angles. Aphrodite kept her eyes on the living room scene before them. Athena took that for permission and answered.

"It's not as bad as it looks. Many men withdraw until they find a solution to a problem." Aphrodite nodded.

"Retreating into their cave."

"What?" Athena looked at her like she was crazy. Aphrodite sighed.

"Okay, I can't keep explaining everything. Read that book I got you."

"How can I do that? The very title is insulting. 'Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus.' Neither of you were there and it completely ignores my contribution."

"It's a metaphor, Athena". Hera shushed them.

"Cut it out you two. The launch is about to begin." Athena leaned behind Hera and whispered.

"What's the metaphor for?" Aphrodite whispered back.

"Again, read the book." Glaucus spun his head back 180 degrees and hooted in annoyance. They stopped talking and watched as the group of friends prepared to watch the launch.

It had not been an easy year. Some days they marveled at how far they'd come, but most days they wondered if they were helping at all, or worse, getting in the way. There was a particularly tense month when Aphrodite worried maybe she'd amped up Amy's libido a little too much. She was a wreck. She wandered around muttering to herself. She started chewing her fingernails and let her toga drag on the ground. Anyone else would have looked adorable and vulnerable, but considering what Aphrodite usually looked like she was a train wreck. To everyone's surprise though, Amy hadn't scared him off. In fact, Amy's frankness about her intentions kept Sheldon from putting his guard at all from the emotional assault. He justifiably trusted her to play fair and he was positive he could handle anything she threw at him as long as things stayed that way. He was just like any other man in that respect. By the time he realized she was better at this game than he was it was too late. She had him hooked. Still, no one could say there wasn't still a long way to go.

"Oh, no." They looked at Hera.

"What's wrong?"

"It didn't even occur to me. I was so worried about the wedding and her mother-in-law… What if Howard doesn't make it?" Aphrodite laughed.

"Hera, I'm sure he'll be fine. We take trips to the moon all the time, and he's only going into orbit." Athena sat up straight. Now she looked worried, too.

"We don't do it in a Russian Soyuz capsule with a fuel leak." Hera looked back down.

"Oh, crap! It's starting." She looked between them frantically. "What if it was all for nothing?" She grabbed their hands. They were surprised but said nothing and squeezed back as the tinny voice of the television continued its countdown. It was perhaps unsurprising that Bernadette also took the hand of her husband's koumbaro, and that Penny reached out for her boyfriend. But when Sheldon…

Aphrodite squealed and Hera gasped. Hera let go of their hands so she could throw olives in frustration at the other couples in the room. Luckily they didn't notice.

"How can they all just sit there? Don't they know what just happened?" Aphrodite started bouncing up and down with her fists in front of her mouth as she continued to muffle her screams of excitement.

"This is so huge!" Athena looked at the sparkle in her friend's eyes. She hadn't looked this fresh and innocent since she first stepped off her seashell. She felt warmth spreading inside her too but tried not to let her voice shake as she spoke.

"Aphrodite, please, we aren't there yet." Hera grabbed Athena's shoulders and shook her a little more than could be considered polite.

"You can't be serious, Athena! This is spontaneous, unsolicited, voluntary, sustained skin-to-skin contact!" Aphrodite stood up and rescued Athena from Hera.

"Oh, it's OK Hera. I know it's just a hand." She gave Athena a hug. "But for Sheldon Cooper…" Glaucus said it all.

"Hoo!"

**Το τέλος.  
Ζήτω το ****Σ****h****αμυ****!**


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